The last few years have been very hard for my family and for me. For me, the last year in particular. It is at times when your life is touched by immense continual sadness, and even badness, that it’s difficult to believe God exists or even cares about us.
I have been unable to do my work, blog posts, interact with people or do much of anything in the last year due to a variety of reasons that have touched my family’s lives and mine. It made everything else pale into insignificance.
Never once did my prayers stop, nor my family’s, but there were times I have to admit where my faith in God started to waver and I wondered if it was worth keeping praying at all. If He existed, how could all these things be happening one after the other continually and in such he ways that defied belief? Why have the last several years seen nothing but immense sadness and in my case, badness too, surrounding us?
I have struggled badly due to the enormity of things happening and having them increase non stop getting worse with each one. Every time we thought things were settling and it must surely be behind us now, yet more hit us hard.
How could I do the work I had been doing for years teaching about God, our love for Him, keeping faith, hope and trust when I myself was starting to question why He would allow all this to be happening? Why were prayers to Saint Michael apparently unanswered and all the prayers to God seemingly ignored?
I have never in all my life known such a hard trial and I’ve had many serious ones throughout my life in various ways from the age of sixteen – some of which has been talked of in a couple of my books.
This though, has gone beyond anything any human should have to suffer or bear, but what kept me going was the love and support of two incredibly special friends and the knowledge that God allowed His own Son to suffer beyond anything a human should have to. What kept my family going was their belief and trust in God too.
So many deaths, so many losses and hurt beyond belief has been our companion for too long now. On top of this, I have had my spiritual self tested beyond anything I ever thought it could be and survive. To suffer extreme sadness and trials in human self is bad enough, to have horrendous spiritual attacks happen at the same time made me at times believe my mind might not be able to stay sane for much longer.
I have battled harder than any other time in my life and hope never to have to undergo such a time ever again. We all have to suffer loss in life, hurt, badness, stress for various reasons and much more, but this spiritual side is unable to be talked of at the present time and is beyond anything ever seen before. I’ve suffered at Satan’s hand very badly over the years, but this was his greatest effort yet and golly was it a humdinger of one.
My two beautiful friends have watched it all and know the full extent of what’s been happening. No one in my family knew what else was happening in my life, nor did anyone else and it will remain that way. I was warned years back that this lay ahead of me and how bad it was to be, but never did I get told what it would be or how, nor realise the enormity of things that were to happen and be gone through. Sheer torture in so many ways, sheer torture of the mind.
We have lost many family member’s and seen my sister in particular suffering more than anyone should have to bear, but it was so much more beyond that. Things not able to be mentioned. I am hoping this is the end and everything may now change for the better at last.
My faith in God is still intact. It is pretty bruised and battered in that respect, but I held on, fought my way through with help from those dear people and think I have reached the other side. People who also had to be removed from my life have been as their true self was exposed. I now know who I can trust and who I can’t.
It will take time to recover from all the losses, immense sadness and the horrendous bad things done with Satanic forces at work. Those people cast aside won’t be missed. They had to go and releasing their negativity from my life has set me free.
My family suffered the losses of our loved ones just as I did, but those we lost suffered far worse than we did.
For me, there was so much more going on as well alongside these deaths and sad events. Things I had to bear alone and not speak of. Things worse than anything I could imagine. I could tell no one except my two friends, but they live in other countries and are unable to be here with me. Nowhere to escape and sit over a tea of coffee to help ground me.
Yet help me they did in ways I can never thank them enough for. They are the most amazing, compassionate, understanding and caring people I could hope to have in my life. There is another, maybe two more, but their time is not yet due to their own struggles in earthly life and spiritual life.
Having to keep so much quiet, hidden and to myself for so long without being able to explain why I was so worn out, under severe stress and strain was hard. It still is, but that is where prayer and faith came in. Trying to hide all of that and act as though all was well apart from the sadness happening that they knew of and were also experiencing, was a strain.
Despite so much happening and thinking God was ignoring us all, I now know He was there even stronger than before. If He hadn’t been, I know my mind would have gone and I’d never be able to work again. I know my mother at ninety five wouldn’t have coped so well with the loss of her daughter as she is coping. Her grief is deep as anyone would expect on losing their child, and so cruelly as this was, but God and His Holy Mother are helping her I have no doubt. Same for my other sister who lost her husband, her daughter and now her sister. She suffered three deaths in one week.
Everything gone though in this last year has made me more detached from this world and people even more than I already was made to be over many decades. This was warned about years before when I was told that it had to happen for me to be able to move forward with my work.
I had to be strengthened for what I’m told lies ahead and for what others were told lies ahead. Everything had to be in place and now, most of it is. It’s taken years longer than I thought it would, but thankfully, I had no idea then just how many family members we’d lose – and at young ages at times too – or what else would have to be gone through.
A little more heartache and hardship to still go through but I’m ready, and once it is all behind me, that is when my real work will begin. Till then, I thank God for all these incredible life lessons and trials that have given me the strength that I’ll be needing. A superhuman strength that is what I now have mentally ready to proceed. I thank Him for putting those special people in my life who I hope will always be there.
In all, my trials have lasted for exactly fifty years. The mental anguish, pain, suffering, abuse and health issues have all been immense, but the last year and couple of months have been the worst ever mentally. I would never wish to go through all these things again and would wish none of it on others. My life was taken from me all those years ago and replaced by all those things listed above that have been constant daily. I’ve never enjoyed life as others and know now I never will, but if it all leads up to me soon being able to do my best for God, have heaven’s words heard at last and be able to reach people, then I would go through it all over again.
To anyone suffering unimaginable things, watching your loved ones going through it and thinking God isn’t listening or answering your prayers or anyone else’s, then I ask you to keep going. It doesn’t matter how many years, how bad the trials, keep your faith. My trials and struggles – earthly and spiritual – have lasted fifty years so far, but I refused to give up or give in to Satan’s wanting me to walk away from God. He’s thrown all he can at me hoping I’ll walk away and stop trying to guide others to save their souls from Satan’s grip and to lose my own through despair, but he’s lost the battle with me and always will.
I will continue to do all I can to help others see what Satan is trying to do. To make people understand what real spirituality is, how to grow and how they too can withstand everything Satan throws at them if they just trust in God. Remember, God knows the whole picture and why things have to happen that are sad and we don’t. Trust in Him and all will one day be well. I’m still waiting fifty years later for my life to be well, but it will one day, I know it will.
Keep holding onto that faith. No matter how bad things are, no matter how much things happen in ways we hoped they wouldn’t, it is all for a reason. A reason God understands and knows the end result of that we don’t. Keep your faith, keep your trust and keep your hope. No matter how long it takes, no matter how many decades, never give up. Remember Job. He did it, I’ve done it and you can too. With those three things held dear and close, you will get through it and you’ll be stronger for having done so.