Test of Faith

Faith is very easy to have when life treats you well and all is smooth sailing, but what about when life turns bad or hard, what then? Faith in God, heaven and all else we’re taught, about life after death and there being other realms beyond this earthly one, is a very hard thing to hold onto when times are bad and testing. I don’t mean slightly bad, I mean really bad or testing.

In the last fifty years my faith has been tested a lot, but nowhere near as much as in the last few years. The amount of sadness, badness and shocks of events and people’s actions has been more than most people would be able to bear and still remain strong in their faith, let alone their mental health.

My doctors have told me they are stunned at how I’ve coped, and am  still coping, with all that has gone on in my life, my family’s lives and with what is still ongoing. They are astounded I’m still strong, not taking anything to help and call me an inspiration. What they didn’t see was my daily struggles with God, with believing He is real and with my faith in everything I’ve believed for my whole life.

I had hope, trust and faith in bucket loads. None could be more trusting and believing in God than me. After all, isn’t it me who’s counselled and guided others for all these years about such matters, helped them through very hard times and restored their faith? Yet here I was since 2021 suddenly angry, doubting and thinking there couldn’t be any God or anything else after leaving this world come to that.

I swore at Him, shouted at Him, questioned Him and was angrier with Him than I’ve ever been with anyone in my life. He’s taken all my family in the cruellest of ways in a very short time, has made me face so much more than that besides. All things that were very severe (but that remain private) were thrown at me from all directions in between and even during all the suffering and loss.

It was a very intense few years. I’ve suffered all my life in many ways and have been made stronger because of it all, but this last couple of years was just one step too many. It’s like God was laughing at me, mocking me and my family for having dared trust in Him so unquestioningly. We watched everyone suffer then die as all hope was smashed and blown away with each one lost.

All our prayers seemed to go unanswered. No help given, no suffering eased, no saving of lives, just more and more pain, suffering and death till practically every member of my family gone. That plus all the badness in between was too much to bear and cope with, but bear with it and cope I did.

Regular readers of my blog will know it made me stop writing for some time. This was not just because of all the loss and grief, it was due to loss of faith. How could I keep teaching about God, heaven, trust, hope and faith in Him when I had lost all belief myself? I couldn’t. I tried, but just couldn’t do it.

Then two very good, kind, loving and supportive friends told me I hadn’t actually lost my faith even though I thought I had. They had noticed what I hadn’t. That during what I thought was my belief God couldn’t exist after all, they both, at different times to each other, asked who it was I was still praying to each day. If I didn’t believe in Him, why was I so angry with Him? Why was I questioning Him about why He had done this to all my family; allowed all the loss, sadness, constant badness in my life for over fifty years, but especially in the last couple of years?

Who was I actually asking if He was real? Who was I asking why He allowed all the bad people to enjoy life, never have stress, suffering, have badness and such levels of sadness in theirs, yet let all the good people suffer badly in a variety of ways? I know those answers as I explain why to everyone else, I just couldn’t help myself as I usually could due to my brain being in overload with all that was happening.

They were right. Why was I praying and who exactly was it I thought I was praying to if I really believed God didn’t exist? Thanks to them being such good friends and helping me with words they’d heard me teach to others, I was able to get back on track. It is hard, so very hard, but it’s also helped me to understand why other people can waver in their faith too. It was yet another lesson learned – and a good one.

Many of us will have heard of the phrase in Mark 9:24  ^…Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
It is only once we have experienced it ourselves that we can understand this. I myself used to wonder at its meaning thinking if one believed, what did it mean asking to forgive their unbelief. How could one believe yet not believe?

I now understand it.  One thinks they don’t believe any more, yet they actually do without realising it. It is in deep, deep grief or times of huge stress/suffering this can happen when our mind is in overload. It is yet another ploy of Satan’s. He moves in during our weakest times wanting to remove us from God’s safe keeping while hoping to steal our souls from God and take them for himself. It is at such times he wins many souls sadly.

Thanks to Lynda and Kelin (sorry both ♥) I now understand how one can believe and have faith, yet think they’ve lost it. It is human to question at times. Even the best of saints have questioned at times, yet they too would have no doubt been praying to God all the time even when they thought He might not exist after all. While believing that if He did exist He had just chosen to desert them.

I’m sure there will be other times my faith might waver a little, I hope not, but as I say, I’m human, you are all human and to doubt is a very human thing. If we were perfect, our faith was perfect, we wouldn’t need to still be here to learn anything. Our lessons would all have been learnt for this lifetime and it would be time to move on from this world.

So if you find your faith wavering, ask yourself if you too are still praying or talking to Him even in anger, sorrow or upset and if you are, remember, that means God is still with you, He does exist and you haven’t lost your faith after all. Most of all, it is at these weakest of times we need to guard ourselves against Satan and his ploys even more than we usually do.

It is when at our weakest he can sneak in and steal us from God without us realising it’s even been done. Be on guard, you haven’t lost your faith, you just temporarily think you have, so whatever happens, don’t give up or give in and let Satan grab your soul. God IS with you, you just might not be able to feel Him right now, but He is always with you.

my faith has been tested more than I can begin to tell you.