On Friday, I visited Buckfast Abbey, a Benedictine monastery and retreat centre in Devon, UK. I have stayed there for a retreat in the past and can highly recommend it. As I arrived the other day just to visit, there was a mass nearing its end. I sat and enjoyed listening, as some was in Latin, which I always used to enjoy.
The sad thing about being there was the fact I knew not one person, had I have asked, would have been able to help me with what it was I was there seeking so desperately. I know they wouldn’t, because forty years of trying says they wouldn’t.
That something I’m now seeking is spiritual direction regarding my gifts and all I see, hear and receive. Not only would they not be able to help me, they wouldn’t have been prepared to. No one is.
There is so much I have had given to me, so much heavenly knowledge, that it weighs heavy in my heart and mind, yet there is no one willing to listen, help or share the burden given to me to carry. It’s only this I want to share and discuss with someone of the cloth. Someone who could understand, but who?
I can help everyone who comes to me it seems, but why will no one in the church help me? I have been left alone since February. The longest time ever I have not heard from heaven.
They told me when the first of the things I made public (about Ireland, Italy – and Taiwan; Taiwan much later after the first two) had happened they would be back to speak with me, but not until then.
I know what those things are and others who have read my books and seen those very specific warnings do also. For now though, what do I do and where am I meant to go with all of the knowledge no one else knows about or has seen?
Don’t get me wrong, I agreed when heaven asked if I was prepared to go forwards to do more for God, and knew this would happen, but it is so lonely, so very lonely to know things I’ve been told and shown and to have only heaven guiding and supporting me.
It is something I have to do alone and it is hard, so very hard – more than people will ever know. I have a couple of close good friends I can trust who know lots of what I’ve been told and shown, but even they don’t know it all. They have been amazing, but it is not their burden to carry, it is mine and it isn’t fair of me to share so much with them when it isn’t they who were given this task.
Their understanding and awareness has been incredible and I know God gave them to me to help share what it is that remains mostly hidden for now. They have been given a gift of awareness, enough to enable them to understand much of what I tell them. For this I am so grateful. Others have walked away, finding it too much for them to shoulder. This I understand.
I sat in the Abbey yesterday, in the quiet Sacred Heart Chapel, and pleaded with God to send someone into my life from the Church. Someone who would be able to understand; someone who has the gifts themselves. I call them gifts, for surely they are, but they are also a huge weight that so few could even begin to fathom.
Such wondrous gifts come with the weight of the world and attacks from Satan, both of which are more than I know most people could face or bear. In fact, I have been told many have walked away unable to shoulder such depth of knowledge, but we cannot all do so can we?
I couldn’t have coped with them either had not heaven helped and strengthened me over many, many years in preparation for when that time came. It is an honour to be entrusted with such things no matter how hard, but it is a mixed bag of emotions and trials too.
There are days I am in awe of what happens to me, total awe of almost disbelief. Then there are days I feel great strength and others when I feel so weak and useless. Those days are when I feel the enormity of the full weight of it all and when my firends are needed most. Always, no matter which of those days it is, there is always the fear I am letting God down or not doing things as He has asked.
Most days I can cope, this is due to a detachment that has been given me gradually over a long period of time. It is a detachment not of this world and one I would never have understood before myself. I now know what Jesus meant when He said we had to leave all behind if we wished to serve God. This goes so much deeper than people realise and is on a level of understanding unable to be explained easily.
Forgive me for sounding as though I am somehow superior to others by saying this, for that is the last thing I wish to do. Being as this makes me feel the total opposite. It makes me feel much smaller, much less worthy of His love and far lesser a being. It comes with a knowledge of just how weak we are, how dependant on God we are for everything.
For now, I’ve said more than I meant to. One day, maybe someone will be sent to me so my poor friends can be left in peace without me burdening them further. I agreed to do this work for God, they didn’t. How incredible are they, those who have stood by me and supported me in my time of need. People who have listened when the church failed me – and continues to fail me.
One day, I hope to see this weakness in the church changed and would love to be instrumental in bringing about that change if God so desires. In the meantime, yesterday, I enjoyed sitting in God’s house. A house built to praise and be at one with Him. A place to not just pray, but to contemplate and reflect. To listen for answers from God to questions asked.
As each priest left the altar after mass, I looked deep into their face and eyes and knew not one, not one of them would listen to me if I’d approached them asking for help. I also know the pope would understand every single thing I said to him though – every single thing. It is a man such as this I pray will one day be allowed to come into my life to share everything with.
Heaven has surely guided and supported me so far and I have no doubt they will again when the time comes to move forward, with what I know is to come, and with what it is they wish me to do. It’s the waiting and not knowing when this will be that is hard.
For now I still walk alone, apart from my loyal friends. They know who they are and I thank them deeply. One of them, I am told, has work lying ahead of them too. They can run as fast as they like from it for now, but when the time comes for them to start that work in earnest, I know they’ll do it. I’m aware what it is they have to do, just not how it will be done.
God’s rewards for these friends will be great when the time comes. They will one day be rewarded, just as you will for your good deeds done through life, for their generosity and strength in helping shoulder the burden I chose to carry when no one else would listen.
God Bless you and thank you.